I had seminary orientation, today. First off I wonder whether or not an IPAD2 can really be an adequate substitute for a computer. So far I love the device but I think this blue tooth keypad is to small for my knobby fingers.
As an icebreaker, the host of the orientation purchased a can of Icebreaker mints for each student. She labeled each can with a word such as “new” “night” and “wide.” She asked each student to get up and find the can labeled with its opposite. The “new” can owner found the “old” can owner, “night” found “day,” “wide” found “narrow,” and so on. I looked at my can. It said, “Hard.” I wondered if God had set that can aside for me.
To be truthful, as I sat in seminary orientation, there was a battle raging in my soul. I am only one week away from a life consumed by my job. And my job was the best. As an inner-city police officer, I was involved in all of humanity’s ills. I loved it. A police officer needs many traits, but for those of us that worked Southeast San Diego we took pride in being HARD. We wanted that reputation. We needed it to be safe amongst the gangsters.
Now I sit as professors talk about worshipping Jesus and studying his word. God’s grace washes through me. I begin to shed my cynicism and open up inside. But like a boomerang the inner-force needed to be on the Force comes back. I want to be in control again. See if you are a cop, you better be in control. If you give control over to the person you are in contact with you might as well hand them your gun. You remain professional as best you can but you always are in control.
Now God has drawn me into an environment He controls. He dictates the tempo and direction of each moment as it should be. His peace is permanent and trustworthy. I desperately need it. However, the duality inside me still exists. I miss the hunt, the chase, and the authority. I took pride in it. I lived for it. It is addictive if you are not careful.
I look forward to being a cop again. It is apart of my fiber…my makeup to put it all out there. To do it to the best of my ability though, I need to be under God’s direction at all times; in my personal life, my church life, my work life, and my relationships. I need this seminary experience and I can’t wait for it. But I still sit with my back to a wall. I still constantly look around the room for danger. I still walk with my shoulders back and my head up. I still make eye contact with everyone to make sure they know I am there and alert. I am still hard.
Question? Can a Christian be “Hard?”
Prayer:
Thank you Jesus for being able to blend the best of us with the excess of your greatness. Your shadow is the new fuel burning inside of me. Your love is the new sidearm. I need you now. You are my only backup.
